rawr.

emasaurus @ 2007-02-07T23:35:00

2007-02-08T05:35:17Z

new journal - amysaywhat

add it. :]

emasaurus @ 2007-02-07T18:57:00

2007-02-08T01:05:26Z

"life throws you curves, but you learned to swerve. me - i swung & i missed, & the next thing you know i'm reminiscing".

i've thought about it & i'm beginning to realize something. you can always get over losing a boyfriend, but i don't think you can ever, ever get over losing a friend. i don't think it's possible. & even when you think you're over it, or no matter how many times you say you're over it, you never really are. i'm not.

but i really wish everyone would grow up just a little. that would be so nice.

i'm tired of pushing people away.
but last year? i think it scarred me for life.

emasaurus @ 2007-01-16T00:27:00

2007-01-16T06:27:37Z

If I told you a secret
You won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and
Keep it alive

Cause it's burning a hole
And I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone
In this life

So look up, take it away
Don't look da-da-da-down
The mountain

If the world isn't turning
Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you

And you stand at the crossroads
Of highroads and lowroads
And I've got a feeling
It's right

If it's real what I'm feeling
There's no make believing
The sound of the wings
Of the flight

Of a dove, take it away
Don't look da-da-da-down
The mountain

If the world isn't turning
Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you

Oh, look up, take it away
Don't look da-da-da-down

If the world isn't turning
Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you

Love will come through
Love will come through
Love will come through

emasaurus @ 2007-01-16T00:08:00

2007-01-16T06:24:13Z

i finally cried.
over the people i've lost.. i actually cried. all this time i've been saying i'm better off, which i know in my heart that i am, but sometimes i think too much. sometimes i think about the "amy don't leave" on the bathroom mirror, & it's too much. it's finally all caught up with me, all the things i've been running for my life from, & i'm sad. i'm happy & i know i'll be okay, but i've let myself get sad. i've stopped running. i've stopped & thought about the way things used to be, what i've been avoiding for so long now. i've told zach so many stories about picayune.. they always make me smile.. but the last one, it made me cry. a lot. i didn't even see it coming, but it just slapped me in the face. hard. it's like gage once said to me: "i still care about you, i just don't want to". that's how i feel. i don't want to care anymore. i don't want to be disappointed, & i definitely don't want to miss anyone. but i am & i do. i don't miss what i know right now - i miss what i used to know. i miss the people i used to know. now? that's where the disappointment comes in. it hurts, seeing the people who used to be my world - pffft my entire universe - going downhill. i hate to look at them as nothing but a bunch of hypocrites. i don't want to at all; but i do. i can't help it, that's the way i feel. everything they hated, they've become. everything they were against; they're doing it & i'm trying so hard to get it, but i just don't.

you guys were amazing once.. why let that change? even if it's just in my eyes. i haven't stopped caring, no matter how much it seems like i have. i regret my mistakes every single day, but there's nothing i can do to change what's happened in the past, no matter how much i wish i could. all i can do is better myself.

i'm a nerd, & i keep a journal that's not on the internet.. i actually write in it.. & towards the end of the year i said i wanted to meet someone who would change my life for the better & actually make me a better person, just from knowing them. it's amazing how in no time at all, out of nowhere, when you least expect it, that person can show up. so do i believe in miracles? yes. meeting this person was definitely a miracle. having the same best friend for over ten years? someone who's always been there for you, no matter how many times you've left them? that's a miracle too.

i have truly been blessed with the people that i have in my life right now, even the ones i've just met.. but i do still miss the ones i've lost. every day.

& i'm beginning to notice that i only use this journal to vent. hah. guess i'll save the happy stuff for my blogs.

emasaurus @ 2007-01-07T17:53:00

2007-01-08T00:15:13Z

i have come to the conclusion that most of the people i used to consider my friends, are seriously jerks. i mean really. even when i lived there, you couldn't be sad without someone calling you "gay" or "emo". i moved to picayune away from my own family because i wanted to be with my friends, & once i got there, look at how things ended up. my own "best friend" would walk by me when i was crying & not say a word. not even an "are you okay?" or a "what's wrong?". maybe i was sad a lot, but maybe it was hard, being that far away from my mom & my brother, two people who mean the absolute world to me. maybe not knowing where i belonged was really difficult, & all i needed was for my friends to be there for me.. but they weren't. not my best friend, & after a while, not even my boyfriend. friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what, they're not supposed to turn the other way when you need them the most. even the ones i thought i could rely on when i lived there eventually let me down after i moved away. everyone except rachel - i remember one day in particular when i was upset about pretty much my whole life, & so i called rachel to talk. well, she was all the way in poplarville, but she dropped everything she was doing to come see me.. & she also brought me a snow-ball. :]

& when i leave rachel a comment on myspace, she responds. when she has the time to visit, she does. to me that's what a real friend is. someone you can rely on for anything, no matter what. someone who will actually give you the time of day. & when it comes down to it, rachel is the only person that lives in that gosh-awful town that cares about me at all anymore. anybody can say that's not the truth, but i know it is. being friends with me just isn't convinient for anybody - i live too far away. coming to visit, once every few months at least, is too hard. making phone calls is too hard. writing letters? too hard. & a simple COMMENT ON MYSPACE to see how i'm doing? that's too hard too. nobody has the time to do anything like that anymore.. even though when i lived even farther away than i do now, they did.

& if someone does something for you, something big, that you've wanted to experience your whole life, you shouldn't talk badly about them, no matter how bad they "screwed you over". it's called being the better person. learn how to do it. it's the right thing to do.. grow up some? just appreciate what they did for you & if they disappointed you in the end, just let it go. don't be so immature about it & post mean bullitens about them on myspace - that's just ridiculous.

& something else? i think it's pretty sad that people who are my so-called "friends" can PRANK CALL my house in the middle of the night to mess with my mom, yet they can't bother to call & talk to me. i'm so much better off now.. i know i am. i have rachel, who's been there for me ever since i first moved to picayune, & i have nicole, who's never left my side, no matter how many times, or how far away i moved. i've met people who are just genuinely NICE. not just nice when they feel like it, or when it's the "thing to do".

& if anyone wants to "forgive" me any time soon - forget it. i'm not going to sit around & wait anymore.. especially when the other person involved was forgiven a long time ago. this has all gone too far & i'm done.

that's all i have left to say.

emasaurus @ 2007-01-07T17:52:00

2007-01-07T23:53:03Z

"when i say let's keep in touch, i really mean i wish that you'd grow up".

emasaurus @ 2007-01-04T01:03:00

2007-01-04T07:16:27Z

i've been thinking & i've come to the conclusion that no matter how much you grow to dislike someone, it's always going to hurt when you see them hit rock bottom. when you realize that they've become this person you don't even know anymore - this person that does things the person you used to know would never do. in a way it makes me glad that we're not friends anymore, because if it makes me sad even though we're no longer friends, i hate to wonder what it would feel like if we were friends. i know i'm in no place to judge, & i know that i shouldn't even be disappointed. i shouldn't even care for that matter, but for some reason, i do. i'm too nice & i know it, but i can't help it. even when i try to be mean it just comes out as a joke, & i always say "that was mean, i take it back". but i just care.. a lot. why should i care for someone who's pretty much completely disowned me as a friend? why should i be worried about them, or upset that they've changed?

i just am. & i don't know why.
for a long time i lost faith in the fact that everything happens for a reason, but i know that it does. not only did i learn everything that i mentioned before, but now i'm really realizing that i'm so much better off. for a while i think i lost myself, but somewhere in the middle of all the chaos, i got myself back, even if it took losing a few people to do it.

i've always been supersticious when it comes to december. ever since i can remember, december has been my "lucky month". something good has always happened to me, for at least the past five years. i thought this past december was going to be completely different, that nothing good was going to come of it at all, but boy was i wrong. i've made the most amazing new friend ever, his name's zach. even though we barely knew each other, i still felt like i could talk to him about anything.. so you know we had to hang out. & he's made 2007 so great for me so far, & for that i'm very grateful. i've never met someone who cared so much about other people.. or someone who's tried so hard to put a smile on my face (& it's definitely working). i've never known anyone who is so much like me, & who's been through a lot of the same things i have. not long ago in my other journal, the one i write in, i said i wished i could meet someone who would change my life for the better.

& i think i did. i love the fact that you never know what's going to happen - that any day things could change completely, even when you think they never will & that things couldn't possibly get any worse. knowing that every day has potential for something great to happen is the best feeling ever.

& if that didn't make a lot of sense, i'm sorry.. i'm extremely tired.

emasaurus @ 2006-12-31T14:06:00

2006-12-31T20:08:24Z

so it's the last day of 2006.

& i'm so glad. this year has been like one big bad day for me. it's had it's good points of course, but the bad has definitely outweighed the good. 2007 is going to be amazing & i'm so happy that i have someone who's going to help make it that way. :] there's nothing like a brand new year. oh && i hope you all have a good time tonight!!

emasaurus @ 2006-12-29T11:42:00

2006-12-29T17:50:52Z

yesterday was good.. i got off of work really early, which was nice.. & i hung out with cabe & nicole for a while. we ate & all that & i think i ate too much because i'm still full from it. after cabe left i did something i never do - i added people that i don't know on myspace. i've never done that before.. i've never added anyone who i didn't know, & if anyone ever added me who i didn't know, i'd deny them right away. i guess i was just that bored. anyway, it was kind of neat. i think i've met some pretty nice people & there's nothing wrong with makinig a few new friends, right?

jonathan bought me a gerbil for christmas & that sucks for more than one reason. for one thing; i don't like him the way he likes me. sometimes i wish i did because he's probably the nicest boy i've ever met, but i just don't, & i can't help it. but worst of all, i can't keep the gerbil. he brought it to work yesterday & it was so cute - it broke my heart. i wanted more than anything to bring it home with me, but i knew my mom would die if i did, so i controlled myself.

but yeah, back to last night; i had a very interesting conversation with someone. i don't know what to think of it, really. i'm confused. you see there's this boy, that no matter how hard i try not to, i've always kind of had a thing for him.. not sure why.. but i do. i can't help it. one thing i have learned many a time in the past: you can't help how you feel. but do i really want to put my heart in the position to be broken again? i like being safe. a lot. i've probably gotten more comfortable with it than i should, because my guard is up really, really high. i think i might be developing trust issues it's up so high. oh well.. my check awaits at hudson's & i sure do need it. but something weird happened today - i actually forgot that it was pay day. usually i wake up & i'm like "yay!! pay day!!" but today i just went back to sleep & ended sleeping until almost 11:30. that's not normal, but i guess it's a good thing?

oh well, hope you all have a good day. :]

emasaurus @ 2006-12-28T11:17:00

2006-12-28T17:17:52Z

to all of my livejournal friends - i've really missed you guys. all of you. thanks for keeping me on your friends, i know it's been a while..

emasaurus @ 2006-12-28T10:41:00

2006-12-28T17:11:22Z

it's been forever since i've posted in this.. i was going to just get a new one, but when i tried it came out looking ugly & it had this huge ad on the side of it. i don't think so.

but first things first - i think alex was right when he said i was better off without the internet. with the internet i'm able to see the mean things that people have to say to me & i'm extremely vulnerable to be put situations where people say mean things to me. it's almost like i'm setting myself up for it. one reason i wanted a new journal is because i wanted to start over new.. the entries in here kind of make me sad in a way, even though for the most part i have moved on with my life. everything is completely different now.. i don't live in picayune anymore. i haven't since july. i don't have as many friends as i used to, that's for sure. a lot of things have happened in the past eight months or so that have changed everything - but for some reason the changes have only affected me, not anyone else, even though i wasn't the only one involved. in the past eight months i've done things that i never thought i would do.. mostly out of spite, which i know is wrong. i guess i just got tired of being walked all over & sometimes you really can't help how you feel (& i am not the only one who said that). but in two weeks all of that was over (the thing that happened that changed everything), & life as i know it will never go back to the way it was. but you know, if that's what's meant to happen, i guess i can be okay with that. i mean i used to have all these friends who meant the world to me. then i moved away & it was like they moved on with their lives while i was still stuck in the past, making endless phone calls & visits down to picayune. did anyone ever return the favor? no, not really. i mean maybe so if they had a thing for me or something, but other than that, i rarely ever heard from anyone, unless i put in the effort. there were some people i'd go weeks without talking to (including my "best" friend).. & then i had others telling me that people who were supposed to be my friends "treated me like shit".. then i had others getting crushes on me (who were also supposed to be my "best" friend).. it was all just a lot to handle. & at the time i was aggravated, because i was tired of being the only one who seemed to care. so i made a huge mistake. i guess it was just nice to have someone's attention & i took advantage of it. well, that blew up in my face.. i got lied to a lot.. & by that time the person i was the most annoyed in the first place with miraculously showed up in my life again. so that's when i started lying. things had changed & now i was upset with a completely different person. eventually all the lies caught up with me (even though i wasn't the only one lying), & i have a feeling that the people who used to be my best friends aren't really my friends anymore. it wasn't just me, but i'm the one who's paying for what happened & suffering the consequences. i used to say that "everything happens for a reason". for a long time i stopped believing in that, but the more i think about it, the more i realize that i should believe it, if nothing else.

somewhere in the middle of feeling forgotten about, i kept trying & trying to "let go" of everything that was in my past. start over new. but it never worked.. somehow i'd end up calling people, even if i never heard from them. but i guess the huge mistake i made happened for a reason - to force me to let go of everything i needed to let go of a long time ago. & i'm beginning to see how a lot of people really are.. i know who my real friends are now, & even though there aren't many of them, it's nice.. being able to have that small group of people that you know for a fact will always be around.. it's nice to have people you can truly rely on. i don't have to deal with drama anymore.. even though for a while i was right in the middle of it. i don't have to worry about being ignored anymore.. i don't have to feel left out of everything. i actually let go & i know i should have a long time ago, but i guess when one certain place is your life, it's hard. i'm not going to forget anyone or stop caring about anybody - even the people who will forget me, or already have, & even the one's who stopped caring about me a long time ago. i've definitely learned from my mistake. for a few weeks i wasn't myself - i don't lie to people i care about - ever. but i learned that even though i may be desperate for someone's (anyone's) attention, friends should always come first, whether they "treat you like shit" or not. i've learned that (a lot of) girls will always put boys first - no matter what they've done to them, or how many times. they'll always forgive them, when they can't even forgive someone who was once their "best" friend. but like i said - most importantly, i've found out who really cares about me.. & that's pretty great. :]

i'm sure someone will end up reading this, get offended, & most likely not talk to me anymore. but i've gotten to the point that i don't care anymore. if you can't forgive me, or just accept the things that happened & let things go back to the way they were, you're not worth my time. i've already apologized, admitted that i was wrong, & i'm done. i'm not saying "sorry" anymore, because i'm discovering that sorry doesn't mean much of anything - unless of course, you're an ex-boyfriend.

okay.

well from now on, my journal entries will be more.. normal, i guess. i'm getting off the soap-box now & going to delete all my old entries. i think i'll read them first, though.

emasaurus @ 2005-12-27T19:30:00

2005-12-28T01:31:56Z

friends only.